FAMILY ESTRANGEMENTS

Mickey Skidmore, AMHSW, ACSW, MACSW

Family estrangements are perhaps one of the most challenging issues that therapist contend with. And this phenomenon appears to be on the increase. I’ve been reflecting on this topic a fair amount recently and would like to offer some thoughts about this in this month’s “perspective.”

As an elder practitioner, my first observation is there has been some significant generational shifting over the years which underscores peoples attitudes and viewpoints on any number of subjects. I’ve lost track of the various generational cohorts (World War; Post War; Boomers; Gen X; Millennials; Gen Z). But in my lifetime, what is considered “emotional abuse” today was viewed differently than when I was a child. (Please understand, I’m not making judgments or justifications about these differences, but rather acknowledging that there has been a shift over time in the way this viewed and understood). 

It would be unthinkable … even unimaginable to speak to my parents or someone of that generation the way some children speak to their parents today. Likewise, what might have been referred to as “talking back” when I was a child, is often perceived as being “assertive” today. So at least one variable underscoring family estrangement is generational shifting of attitudes and viewpoints on any number of topics or issues. 

In my role as a therapist, it is difficult for me to understand how we can raise children to be assertive if they are not permitted to challenge their parents or assert different views. The flip side to this argument also holds merit in that if we do not take stock in our own sense of parental authority, there is no immediate opportunity for teens to push back or rebel. If we’ve overcompensated to the side of empathic people pleasing are we not coddling our children? Depriving them of the opportunity to safely rebel against parental authority, they will seek out other forms of expression to rebel against (teachers; ministers; police officers; etc).

Perhaps the most significant generational shift is illustrated in our political discourse today. Gone are the days when we might acknowledge that a colleague in a different party might have a different approach to governing; or hold fundamentally different perspective on particular social issues; yet still respect them despite this difference. Today if anyone holds a view different from our own, then we must end them. They must be cancelled … obliterated. They are viewed with contempt and lack of worth or value. The art of compromise is no longer deemed a worthy endeavour (and often viewed as weakness) as there is no longer a recognition to create enough space in the conversation for more than one point of view.

And so it is with family estrangements. And what I mean by that is that people seem to be increasingly comfortable seeing family estrangement as a viable choice. How many of us can relate to a family member responding to your attempts to establish a clear boundary by being passive-aggressive and giving you the silent treatment for days, weeks, or months? Or worst, ghosting you for extended periods even longer than that? Or not speaking, engaging or interacting for years?

Following some of these generational shifts, many adult children are setting boundaries that their parents struggle to make sense of. But let’s be clear, estrangement also occurs among siblings as well. Beyond these generational shifts there may be other factors that contribute to this phenomenon. Some parents or other family members may lack emotional maturity and empathy due to developmental limitations in their adult years. In such cases it makes it quite difficult and challenging to overcome these differences. Yet, a willingness to engage in a conversation, large enough to embrace more than a single perspective; and a willingness to consider what they can live with (compromise); while being clear and respectful of the boundaries is at the heart of overcoming family estrangements.

Perhaps my final observation may be the most important. In my conversations with clients and clinicians alike, I encounter a mindset wherein an assumption is made about the quest for addressing this clinical concern. And often there is this idea that there is one single, prescribed approach or strategy that will adequately address all such grievances. While I hold a nuanced view, I accept that for some they may make a choice for estrangement. However, I leave room for the possibility (hope) that whatever positions each part holds to in this moment does not mean that they will always hold this view henceforth. The bonds of family are powerful, and over time I believe in the possibility for thawing or shifting of these views remains possible. And even if the two sides are steadfast and unable to arrive at a middle ground, they may at some point still wish to have some kind of relationship with each other.

With the emphasis today to cancel, destroy, and too often being right over being happy, the option to carve out some alternative enabling them to have some type of relationship gets overlooked. And if your choice is estrangement, don’t be surprised when a health event arises and the window of opportunity to say good-bye to a family member is time limited, that even then you might opt for a respite of this choice.

REFERENCES

Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW. WEBINAR (28 March 2023):                                                  Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Family Relationships: Top Tools for Better Boundaries