FIVE YEARS ON …

By Mickey Skidmore, AMHSW, ACSW, FAASW

I am pleased to have recently arrived at the threshold where I have now been cancer-free for five years. I am tremendously grateful and most fortunate to have successfully achieved this milestone. Perhaps the biggest upshot of this is that research suggests that the chances are low that my previous type of lung cancer will re-emerge. 

Some of you may recall that the Social Work journal FOCUS published a piece about my reflections of that experience in 2020. As I reflect on my mindset five years later, I have noticed that I am not as at peace as I once was. My emotional equilibrium is not as balanced as it once was. I am not as harmonious or graceful as I’d like to be.

Rather, I am aware of being increasing self-conscious, irritable, frustrated and even angry at times. And at such a milestone, I am concerned that emotionally I may be slipping towards an undesirable direction. If I am completely honest with myself, I have come to realise that much of this is underscored in the contrasting experiences of my Social Work practice in the USA and my Social Work practice in Australia. I am vexed by a range of profound inconstancies, differences, and even paradoxes that I continue to struggle with — even twelve years later. 

While I am clear and confident in my professional perspectives, nobody wants to be the person that is perceived to be “always taking exception” or otherwise “stirring the pot.” It is exhausting. Yet striking a reasonable balance with advocacy (a core and fundamental Social Work action) and being true and congruent with one’s “therapeutic use of self” or professional integrity becomes a profound ongoing challenge.

With the assistance of my ongoing supervision, I have been able to identify that these issues result from the stark contrast of professional education and experiences along with the intersectionality of cultures. Moreover, there is the insight that just because you have been successful in the past with establishing a more harmonious balance does not mean that one is done — or that such an equilibrium will remain. It requires ongoing attention, effort and adjustments in order to better ensure that such grace and peace will be fixtures in your life and professional practice. This requires an intentionality where one chooses to make this a priority and works at it. It is also a reminder of the effort associated with life-long learning.

I know that I do not want to be angry, frustrated and irritable all the time. I know that I want to return to the mental space where I experienced more grace, peace and gratitude for my good fortunes. I want to exude a sense of humility and a quite sense of confidence rather than the edge of disenfranchisement. And thankfully, I can turn to my experience of emotional turmoil that was triggered by my major health event more than five years ago as a template to remind me that I know how to do this. I have done this before. And while it may somewhat different or nuanced from my previous experience, I can move towards re-establishing the type of harmonious, peaceful, graceful balance and equilibrium that I want to re-create for myself in the future.

This is my choice.

REFERENCES

Skidmore, M. The Stewardship of Hope:  A Professional Evolution of the Therapeutic Use of Self. FOCUS Autumn 2020 p. 28.